Evacuation of spooky mansion hindered by indestructible wooden doors
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Employees attending a corporate team building event at a remote country mansion had to be evacuated after a number of individuals developed an insatiable desire to consume human flesh.
Organisers attempted to evacuate the building but discovered that every conceivable exit was blocked by seemingly indestructible wooden doors, all of which were locked, often from the other side.
Icon Asset Management had hoped that the team building exercise would improve staff morale, communication and productivity. However, the company now faces an uncertain future as it struggles to support traumatised staff, many of whom are likely to require a lifetime of therapy to overcome the unimaginable horrors they witnessed after their colleagues were transformed into mindless, bloodthirsty flesh eaters.
The company said it hired the secluded mansion to ensure that staff remained focused on the team building exercises, but admitted that it had failed to carry out a full health and safety assessment for the event and had therefore not identified the indestructible wooden doors as a potential hazard.
“In many ways this was a perfect storm”, a spokesman for the company said. “On their own, neither zombies nor indestructible wooden doors pose a significant risk to human life. However, if you combine the two, you’ve got yourself a recipe for indescribable horror.”
Simon Anderson, an Accounts Manager for Icon Asset Management who attended the ill-fated event, agreed to speak to The Daily Pixel about his horrendous experience. With a pale complexion, untidy hair and deep, dark sunken eyes, it was immediately clear the incident has taken a heavy toll on the once fun-loving executive.
“We had just broken for lunch and I was enjoying an egg and mayonnaise sandwich”, Simon said, fighting back the tears.
“Suddenly, Jenny from Procurement said she felt ill and started to projectile vomit blood. An admin guy went to help her and she pounced on him, taking a massive bite out of his neck.”
Simon shifts in his seat anxiously.
“The next thing I know I’m surrounded by crazed zombies, fighting for survival – people were literally being torn apart in front of my eyes! Me, Greg and some of the guys from IT tried to get out of the dining hall but every door we tried was locked. We started to panic and kick the doors with all our strength, but the fragile locks, weak hinges and thin wooden panels wouldn’t budge”.
Asked whether he or any of his colleagues tried looking for keys to unlock the doors, Simon starts to hyperventilate.
“It wasn’t as simple as that”, he wheezes. “We did start looking for a key, but ended up embroiled in nonsensical puzzles that involved us carrying out seemingly unrelated tasks”.
For the first time Simon looks at us directly in the eyes, his eyes wild.
“At one point I had to play the piano to unlock a hidden room which contained half the key to a room which contained a typewriter… but I had no f**king ink ribbon. Have you ever tried playing the piano whilst you can hear your friends being ripped apart? Have you?!”
Simon and some of his colleagues were eventually able to escape the mansion via an elaborate series of outbuildings and underground research facilities, often having to backtrack for hours after discovering that previously discarded items were essential for progression.
Police have so far declined to comment on the incident but have warned people to check their homes for indestructible wooden doors.
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9:46 am
Those indestructable wooden doors are a health and safety nightmare. I bet they cause no end of problems for the emergency services.
11:45 pm
In many ways this was a perfect storm”, a spokesman for the company said. “On their own, neither zombies nor indestructible wooden doors pose a significant risk to human life. However, if you combine the two, you’ve got yourself a recipe for indescribable horror.”
Lol. Wonderful.