ambulance

Man almost killed in strategic turn-based drunken bar fight

A drunken man was severely injured after participating in a strategic turn-based fight with several other men outside a bar in Manchester, England.

Police were called in the early hours of Friday to the incident outside a local bar where they discovered David Frederick, 28, lying face-down on the pavement, bleeding heavily. Witnesses claim that Mr Frederick had stood completely motionless whilst a number of men had taken it in turns to punch, kick and stab him.

Mr Frederick has been taken to a nearby inn where he is attempting to sleep off his life-threatening injuries.

It is believed the fight broke out after Mr Frederick became embroiled in an argument with the group of men. Realising that he was outnumbered, it is thought that Mr Frederick initiated a turn-based battle in a bid to out-strategise his drunken opponents.

Unfortunately for Mr Frederick, witnesses claim he inadvertently used his first move to answer a call from his girlfriend, subsequently leaving him open to a series of eye-wateringly brutal attacks.

“He realised his mistake instantly”, said one man who asked not to be named. “He was really pissed with his girlfriend for calling him, but he shouldn’t have answered.”

Deputy Chief Constable Ian Hopkins of Greater Manchester Police told The Daily Pixel that turn-based bar fighting was on the rise, with some incidents spanning several days as fighters became increasingly strategic.

“Whereas most bar fights used to be scrappy, real-time affairs, we’ve seen a much more mature and thoughtful approach to drunken violence in recent years”, said Hopkins. “However, as this latest incident demonstrates, turn-based strategic combat is dangerous and we will come down heavily on anyone we catch engaging in such anti-social behaviour.”

Greater Manchester Police have cordoned off the scene to carry out further investigations although no arrests have so far been made.

4 thoughts on “Man almost killed in strategic turn-based drunken bar fight”

  1. Haha, awesome. Took me a while to realise it wasn’t real. If only he had tried an ative time battle strategy he might have been okay.

  2. Most random thing I’ve seen today, but in a good way. Actually, this whole site is mental, but also in a good way. As a kid I used to get my brother to “play” turn-based fighting… now I know I’m not that strange.

  3. That’s bullshit. Everyone knows Final Fantasy Tactics allows a reaction ability to be equipped. He could have punched each one of his attackers when they moved in to attack him and simply yelled out “Hamedo!”

  4. To present and future humans:

    If and when people “do” start acting and fighting like this (as it is already manifesting in society in my opinon), all participants of turn-based drunken bar fighters, please do conclude with a double fatality to rid the earth of you simulacra existing creatures, please. Your abstract hyper-reality is not wanted amongst those who are really truthfully and honestly living in this holarchic universe.

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