Flushed with the success of their online pass initiative in combating sales of pre-owned games, publishing giant EA now has its sights set on an even larger section of the non-paying public: those who do not buy video games because they just don’t like them.
EA spokesman Bradley Jones explained the thinking behind the company’s latest move.
“According to our estimates there are something like nine hundred million gamers out there, give or take,” he said. “So it follows that there are six billion one hundred million people who don’t buy our games. We think this is probably because they don’t actually enjoy them. But whatever reason they have for not giving us their money, the question we are asking at EA is simply this: why should these people continue to get a free ride?”
Jones told reporters that he reckoned the six billion one hundred million non-gamers cost the industry an eye-watering fourteen point seven gazillion dollars in lost sales last year alone.
EA’s solution to this seeming threat to their bottom line? The Offline Pass.
Jones outlined how the offline pass system will work: “What the offline pass does is it allows non-gamers not to access any of the content in any of our titles, much as they’ve always done. And all of this for the very reasonable price of only ten dollars, or whatever we determine is the local equivalent, per release!”
It is thought non-gamers fill their free time with other activities such as reading, taking long walks in the countryside, or gardening. Currently they are free to do all of this without paying any sort of fee to publishers like EA.
But Jones insisted this was a situation that simply could not be allowed to persist, for the sake of all EA shareholders.
“Look, we’re not being unreasonable here,” he said. “We’re not even asking non-gamers to change their habits. If they want to continue not to enjoy future video game classics like Tiger Woods PGA Tour 12 orFifa Street, that’s their prerogative. All we ask is they pay us ten dollars, or the local equivalent, for the privilege. It really is a very small price to pay for peace of mind.”
Asked whose peace of mind he was referring to, Jones replied, “Ours, of course. Is there another kind?”
EA’s offline pass will be available soon from all retailers everywhere.