Gamers have reacted angrily to the findings of a recent study that suggests playing video games significantly increases aggression levels, demanding that the authors of the “sensationalist research” be taken outside and shot.
“These bastards deserve to die”, said one furious Battlefield 3 player. “I’m sick to death of these f**kers talking sh*t about our hobby, spouting pseudo-scientific gobbledygook in a bid to make a name for themselves. I’d love to get my hands on these so-called scientists and give them a real good kicking. Let’s see how smart they are with my foot up their ass”.
With the debate surrounding video game violence having intensified following the announcement of Grand Theft Auto V, gamers are eager to point out that fewer than half of them actually go on to commit unspeakable atrocities.
“I’m perfectly capable of distinguishing between the good and bad voices in my head”, said Michael, a self-confessed gamer. “Sure, they get pretty loud sometimes, especially when they talk over each other, but I just let them fight it out amongst themselves. These idiots that constantly try and prove a link between video games and real-life violence really make my blood boil. Shooting’s too good for them if you ask me. Personally I’d like to see them ripped limb from limb, Mortal Kombat style, or perhaps exposed to the vacuum of space until their heads explode.”
Despite widespread criticism of their work, Dr Morris and Dr Kelly, the researchers behind the study, are adamant that urgent action is required in order to prevent the complete collapse of society.
“Our findings are very worrying”, said Dr Morris. “Whereas we previously hypothesized that long-term exposure to video games would inevitably lead some unstable individuals to develop a pathological obsession with murder, we’ve since discovered that video games are in fact capable of transforming even the most mild-mannered of children into blood-crazed lunatics, often within seconds.
“In one experiment we simulated the act of loving parents giving their 12-year-old daughter the latest must-have video game for Christmas. Thirty seconds later everyone was dead. We ran this experiment a further 7 times to make sure we hadn’t made an error, but each time the result was exactly the same – everyone died, often horrifically.”