Gamers worried EA may be building Death Star

Gamers are increasingly concerned that publishing giant Electronic Arts may be in the process of constructing a giant Death Star superweapon, fueling already rife speculation that the company is completely and utterly evil.

Many have long suspected that the prominent publisher is secretly plotting the destruction of humankind ever since the shocking discovery that it produces video games not for fun but for profit, much like a business.

This latest rumor has further convinced many of the company’s malevolent intentions.

“To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised at all”, said one disgruntled gamer upon discovering that humanity could soon face extinction at the hands of EA. “If an organisation is willing to charge me for completely optional day-one DLC whilst happily closing down servers for games no one plays anymore, the construction of a moon-sized military battlestation armed with a planet-destroying superlaser seems like the next logical step.”

In protest against the rumored Death Star gamers across the world have agreed to boycott all EA franchises without exception, with the exception of Mass Effect, Battlefield, Fifa, Need for Speed, Crysis, Rock Band, The Sims and possibly Medal of Honor, which they all agree are pretty damn awesome.

“We’re going to send a clear message to EA that they’ve gone too far this time”, said resistance leader 13-year-old James Maddock. “It’s bad enough when they insist on releasing sequels to massively popular games, or extending the playability of those sequels by adding  fairly novel online multiplayer components, but we draw the line at planetary genocide.”

A completion date for the rumored Death Star has not yet been determined, with some early reports indicating that EA may have in fact fired everyone involved in the project.

5 Comments

  1. This is great. And hilarious! All of the articles on this site are great, nice work.

  2. Funny, but I still don’t like EA.

  3. No worries, it is EA. They will rush construction to meet an ambitious release date, so the station will be plagued with dozens of crippling bugs and other glitches. Given EA’s track record, I doubt the station ever gets patched.

  4. Few months late, but fitting for an EA related post!

    Wouldn’t worry, it will not be finished! Nor will it work on the day of release, probably be full of bugs and ultimately end up with a sequel shortly after fraught with the inadequacies of the previous release! We have nothing to fear

  5. As Knox mentioned, the EA death star would likely contain a plethora of errors, likely a giant vent which a small vessel might fly down and fire a bomb into the exposed hyper-vulnerable power core. Something like that I shouldn’t wonder.

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