Rockstar confident GTA 5 will only inspire 19% of players to commit murder

With just months to go until the release of Grand Theft Auto 5, Rockstar has assured critics that it only expects 19% of players to commit real-life atrocities after playing through the violent campaign.

Whilst previous installments in the controversial series have been responsible for numerous high-profile massacres, Rockstar is confident that the vast majority of GTA 5 players will only experience mild feelings of murderous rage, with exposure to the game generally resulting in petty hooliganism as opposed to cold-blooded murder.

“With GTA having been responsible for countless shootings, stabbings and that terrible Japanese earthquake in 2011, we knew we had to take action”, said a spokesman for the renowned developer.

“We’ve worked closely with a team of cognitive psychologists throughout the entire development process and they’re confident that only 19% of players will feel compelled to brutally murder their family or shoot up their school after playing GTA 5.  Better yet, our psychologists predict that the remaining 81% of players will simply engage in low-level criminal behavior, most likely jaywalking or disregarding ‘no ball game’ signs in parks.”

In a bold step for the industry, GTA 5 will be the first video game to inform consumers of the likelihood that they or their loved ones will be transformed into bloodthirsty lunatics after playing. However, the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) has stated that all publishers will be required to provide this information by 2014.

11 Comments

  1. Who are you quoting in this article? just some dude in your office? nice job just looking for views douches

  2. Excellent satire, thanks for this. It always makes me laugh that people blame videogames for inciting violence. 9/10 people that do, don’t play games, but I’m sure they watch movies, would like to see how they react when people blame their beloved movies for causing violence in youngsters.

  3. Conclusion: Everyone who plays GTA V is a criminal in some way.

  4. anyone see the new screenshots at http://gtav.com? games looks crazy good!

  5. What is this? the onion?

  6. Pingback: In Other News – 21 August 2012 | Lazygamer .:: Console and PC Gaming News ::. | Other News

  7. “With GTA having been responsible for countless shootings, stabbings and that terrible Japanese earthquake in 2011…”

    I nearly pissed myself when I read that part.

    **Said in fake British accent** Damn good article I must say, well done my good sir!

    I’m British, so I can make that joke

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