The announcement has fuelled already growing concerns that the script, which the astronauts estimated would fill no less than 10,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools, will continue the series’ tradition of being both unnecessarily wordy and completely fucking nuts.
“At first we weren’t sure what we were seeing”, said Dmitri Dostoevsky, the Russian scientist who first spotted Hideo Kojima’s latest creation floating just off the coast of Portugal. “My initial thought was that we were looking at some sort of new landmass created by a massive, possibly catastrophic geological event.
“The guys and I were really freaking out for a while, thinking we’d never see our families again, but then Mission Control told us about Konami’s Ground Zeroes announcement and we immediately realised we were looking at the script for the game.”
However, the crew’s relief was short-lived.
Despite orbiting Earth at an altitude of 410km, the brave astronauts reported that they could actually sense the insanity of the plot seeping from the vast mass of paper, through the cold vacuum of space and into their minds.
“I don’t know how, but just looking at the script really affected us badly”, said James Davies, an American scientist who has been living and working on the station for the past two months.
“I didn’t notice at first, but when I later went to continue some tests I’ve been doing to understand how a zero-gravity environment effects plant growth, I realised I had no idea who I was.
“It’s as if simply looking at the script, even from 400 kilometres away, was enough to cause some sort of minor, temporary brain damage. It’s that mental!”
NASA has stated that it is continuing to track the movement of the script as it floats west across the Atlantic Ocean towards North America. Authorities in the United States have warned citizens living on the East Coast to avoid looking at the script should it find its way into American waters.