Facebook friends have absolutely no interest in the contents of your uterus, pictures of your baby’s adorable smile or the color of its poo, it has emerged.
A study conducted by leading market research company Nielsen has revealed that, contrary to popular belief, not a single one of Facebook’s 950 million users are the slightest bit interested in anything your baby has done or ever will do, no matter how utterly mind-blowingly magical it might seem to you.
Professor Cheryl Carter who headed up the research project said: “Whilst you might assume that the hundreds of complete strangers you call your friends would be falling over themselves to join you in celebrating the miracle of life, our research suggests they actually couldn’t give a shit.”
She continued: “As part of the 2-year study we interviewed over 10 million Facebook users, asking them to list in order of preference the things they most enjoyed looking at online. With the exception of one creepy homeless guy we think snuck in through an open window, your baby was not one of them.
“Whilst some of the mothers that took part in our tests did initially demonstrate some interest in hearing about other people’s children, we quickly realised that this was no more than a thinly-veiled excuse for them to talk about their own stupid babies.
“Quite simply, no one fucking cared.”
With over a million excruciatingly dreary baby pictures uploaded to Facebook every hour, Professor Carter told The Daily Pixel that she hoped the findings would encourage new mothers to show some goddamn restraint.
“What we seem to be dealing with here is a phenomenon known as Facebookosis, a disturbingly common condition where an individual becomes completely unable to distinguish between theirs and other people’s interests.
“Hopefully this study will finally make these people realize that the rest of the world has absolutely no interest in their unbearably dull lives or their peculiar looking children.”