In anticipation of excitedly unwrapping a new Wii U console on Christmas morning, the nation’s eleven year olds have stepped up their training programs in preparation for the inevitable battle with younger siblings for control over the console’s one and only tablet controller.
With the stated aim of keeping the tablet out of their younger relations’ grubby little hands at all costs, the eleven year olds have been putting themselves through punishing workout sessions to improve essential skills such as grabbing, twisting, pinching, hair-pulling, giving a really good Chinese burn, and taunting.
Additionally, eleven year olds everywhere have been getting ready for the upcoming contest by limbering up their flicking fingers and perfecting a nice line in withering sarcasm.
However, in a related development, those same eleven year olds had better demonstrate how mature they can be and share the tablet controller nicely with their brothers and sisters, or else they will very quickly find themselves in a whole world of trouble, parental sources confirmed.
Undeterred by this, the nation’s eleven year olds have continued their gruelling preparations by performing hundreds upon hundreds of elbow jab reps and practicing their snatching technique over and over until it becomes an automatic reflex.
The eleven year olds told reporters that the punishing training regime they had set for themselves was necessary because not only were their junior adversaries exceedingly and predictably annoying, they were also notoriously sneaky.
However, even in the face of the unfair advantage they claim this inherent sneakiness affords their younger siblings, the eleven year olds confirmed that they are confident of emerging triumphant from the imminent quarrel, given their overall greater size, strength and developmental ability.
One tactic reportedly favoured by the eleven year olds involves holding the tablet controller high above their heads and sneeringly telling their younger siblings that they can have it “if they can reach it”.
At press time it was reported that the nation’s younger siblings had been equally hard at work practicing bursting into tears and crying for mummy, before miming waving the tablet controller triumphantly behind her back and smirking as their older siblings are lead, protesting, from the room.Tweet