EA to put microtransactions into absolutely everything, willing to deny report for a small fee

March 11, 2013 8:27 pm

ea_logoFollowing the announcement that it would be putting microtransactions into all of its new games, recent reports coming out of EA suggest that the publishing giant has secret plans to extend the policy to include micro payments in literally everything it does, reports the company said it would strenuously deny if reporters paid it three dollars to do so.

In addition, reporters were offered the option to buy an even more strenuous denial for five dollars and a “clear and unequivocal refutation, in the strongest possible terms, of these unsubstantiated rumours”–if they could see their way clear to coughing up seven dollars.

However, according to sources within the organisation, the policy is already being put into place, with employees soon to be asked to pay full price for a third of a Mars bar from the office vending machine, which will then insist they add extra money if they want to eat the whole thing.

When reporters put this allegation to EA they were told that, for only ten dollars, it would “swear on [its] grandmother’s grave” that it was not true.

A “double, triple” promise of the untruth of the reports could be had for twelve dollars, while a “cross my heart and hope to die” promise was fifteen.

At a press conference yesterday, arranged so the company could specifically deny the veracity of the reports, EA spokesman Bradley Jones appeared rattling a collecting tin in one hand and brandishing an alarm clock in the other.

Jones began by saying that he was confident the assembled journalists would find the press conference worth every penny of the seventeen dollars they had each paid to attend.

“And if you’d like to hear the rest of what I have to say, you can either deposit a further twenty dollars in my tin here,” Jones gave the burnished, EA-branded tin an encouraging little shake. “Or otherwise, please wait patiently during the mandatory ten minute cool down period.”

Jones then set the alarm on his clock.

Ten minutes of uncomfortable silence followed.

“So as you can see there is absolutely no truth to these rumours,” Jones continued.

“And if you’d like to leave now, please place twenty five dollars in the collecting tin on your way out. Otherwise, wait patiently during the mandatory twenty minute cool down period.”

At press time, EA was still denying [TO READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE PLEASE PAY $30!]


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