All posts by Daily Pixel Staff

anxious_kid

Kid terrified big box under Christmas tree might be a Wii U

anxious_kidWith the big day now little over a week away, 10-year-old Sam Harris has grown increasingly concerned that the large blue present sitting under the Christmas tree might be a Wii U.

Despite months of extolling the merits of the PS4, Sam remains convinced that his well-meaning parents have nevertheless mistakenly purchased Nintendo’s troubled console.

“I’m pretty stressed out right now”, said Sam. “I’ve told all my friends that I’m getting a PS4 with Killzone Shadow Fall, so what the fuck are they going to think when they come round and I load up Family Party: 30 Great Games Obstacle Arcade?”

“They already screwed up my birthday when they bought me Grand Slam Tennis 2 instead of GTA5, and now it looks like they’re going to ruin Christmas too.”

dagger

PS4 requires sacrifice of small animal to enable key features, says Sony

daggerSony today confirmed that the PS4 will require a blood sacrifice to enable key features such as MP3, CD and 3D Blu-ray support.

Gamers had this week reacted with surprise to the news that the console would not be shipping with full functionality, but in a statement Sony Worldwide Studios boss Shuhei Yoshida reassured prospective owners that all features would be available after a short blood soaked voodoo ritual.

Yoshida said: “People will obviously want to start playing as fast as possible, so I’m pleased to confirm that the slaughter can be done in the background, maybe by a friend or family member.”

“We recommend something around the size of a rabbit, but our engineers tell me that a cat or small dog should be absolutely fine.”

happy_teenager

Mysterious improvement in children’s behavior following announcement of PS4 release date

happy_teenager

Mom, did I ever tell you how much I love you?

Parents across America have reported sudden and baffling improvements in their children’s behavior following Sony’s announcement that the PS4 will hit stores on 15 November 2013.

Moms and dads have been left perplexed as their previously angsty and uncooperative offspring have transformed into doting little angels, willing to undertake all manner of household chores without complaint.

Bedrooms have been left completely tidy, homework has been completed without fuss and it’s believed that the number of unexpected hugs has increased tenfold.

Speaking exclusively to The Daily Pixel, 46-year-old Claire Morris spoke of her surprise when she discovered her little shit of a son had voluntarily made her breakfast.

“I woke up and he was standing next to my bed with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice,” said the mom-of-two.

“Next thing I know he’s bringing me breakfast-in-bed and telling me I’m the best mom in the world. I asked if he needed a shirt ironed for school, but he said he’d already done all the ironing!

“I’ve got no idea what’s causing him to act like this, but I’ve got a nasty feeling I’ll find out soon enough.”

ghosts

PS4 and Xbox One still not powerful enough to do legs, says Infinity Ward

ghostsHaving recently outlined some of the graphical improvements found in the PS4 and Xbox One renditions of Call of Duty: Ghosts, Infinity Ward today confirmed that the new consoles were still not powerful enough to give players visible legs.

Executive producer Mark Rubin told The Daily Pixel that whilst the next-gen versions of the popular first-person shooter franchise would feature significantly improved dynamic lighting and displacement mapping,  gamers would unfortunately still have to play as ghostly floating, legless torsos.

“I know the news will be disappointing for some,” said Rubin, “but even with all the extra processing power we couldn’t possibly hope to include legs and still hit 60 frames per second. To be honest, you’re lucky we were even able to include arms.

“However, I want to assure gamers that you’ll still be able to hear your legs, see your leg’s shadow and you can look at other peoples legs as much as you want, just not your own.”

Asked to comment on the accusation that the Call of Duty franchise had become dated and was in dire need of an overhaul, Rubin said: “When the original Modern Warfare hit shelves back in 2007, it quickly established itself as the most innovative shooter on the market.

“Activision are big fans of innovation, so they’ve been careful not to change anything so to ensure that these innovative game mechanics live on, year after year.

“Sure, some people claim that the franchise has become dull and predictable, but that’s the price you pay for innovation. Well, that and a yearly $60 fee, but that’s still a hell of a bargain.”

bigfoot

“It better fucking have Bigfoot in it”, gamers tell Rockstar

bigfootRockstar can take GTA 5’s exciting new gameplay features and shove them up its ass unless it has Bigfoot in it, gamers have said.

Despite announcements that the latest installment will feature the biggest map yet, extensive customization options, destructible environments, scuba diving and much more, gamers have said that unless they have the opportunity to see the legendary Sasquatch  they don’t actually give a shit.

One frustrated GTA fan said: “I spent over 150 hours hanging around Mirror Lake in San Andreas trying to get a glimpse of Bigfoot and I never saw a fucking thing.

“Sure, the new persistent online world and mini-games in GTA V sound pretty impressive, and the ability to use stealth will clearly open up new and varied play styles, but first chance I get I’m heading to the forest and staying there until I see something.

“I’ll tell you what, if Bigfoot doesn’t make an appearance this time round, being blamed for school massacres and the moral breakdown of society will be the least of Rockstar’s concerns.”

shareholder

Shareholders win console war!

shareholderWith the current generation of consoles coming to a close, PS3 and Xbox 360 owners were today shocked to discover that it was savvy investors with actual shares in Sony and Microsoft that had won the console war, not the legions of unwashed fanboys that had spent the last six years feverishly debating the merits of their preferred system.

23-year-old Michael Wilbert, who spends his evenings creating animated gifs of embarrassing E3 moments and posting them online, said: “I’m in a complete state of shock!

“I could have sworn the PS3 was going to win, but it turns out the real winners were some rich old dudes with large investment portfolios in the technology markets!”

“Just the other day I posted a really cutting remark about the 360’s high rate of disc drive failure on a YouTube video review for Halo 4, but it seems like it was all for nothing because I don’t actually have any shares in Sony.

“Fuck!”

max_payne

The Secret Diary of Max Payne: Day as a children’s entertainer

Dear Diary

I’ve faced down psychopaths armed with rocket launchers, spitting hatred at me from behind a teflon shield while I pump them full of bullets. I’ve broken a man’s arm, then beat him to death with the wet squishy end. I even fired an old lady out of a confetti cannon through a chain link fence (wait, that was another game…damn). But nothing I’ve faced so far compares to the day I started my new job.

“It’s easy Max” said Passos. “Breeze in, rub shoulders with some sexy soccer moms, do your thing, pick up your paycheck then book out.”

Through a ginger-beer haze I said yes.

999 Mockingbird Avenue was the address on the slip. Passos said I could pick up a bag of equipment from a lockup on 33rd and Main. The place smelled like the inside of a rabbit’s cage in high summer but the bag was there. Passos told me not to look inside until I got to the place. Natural curiosity has never been my thing, I always believed that sticking your nose into things is a surefire way to get your schnozz shot off.

The house was nice, sitting behind a white picket fence but all the warning signs were there. I just chose to ignore them. The swing set. The paddling pool. The damned Little Tikes Wendy House. Goddamn I should’ve just turned right around, found the nearest bar and poured myself two fingers of unconsciousness but like a boneheaded idiot I just carried on walking.

I rang the doorbell, a cheery little chime that sounded like a robot bird singing “Au Clair De La Lune” or some other shit.

A curvaceous woman answered the door, showing just enough cleavage to make me think Right Said Fred had taken up residence under her blouse.

“Heyyyyyy! You must be Max! Come in! Come in!” she twittered, ushering me through the door. Somewhere at the back of the house I could hear noises. Animal noises, like the noise you probably hear on a mink farm when it’s skinning time.

Maisie, the well stacked broad, walked on ahead leading me by the hand. She moved like liquid mercury poured over ratafia biscuits. I tried not to let it distract me, hefted the bag and followed.

“HEYYYY Everyone! Look who’s here! It’s Max the Puppet Master!”

In the few microseconds it took my visual cortex to register the scene, and the extra seconds it took my brain to process what was going on I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. Cold sweat broke out across my back and shoulders like I’d been hit with a freeze ray.

“Kids. Oh my gentle Jesus. Kids!”

Struggling to stay vertical I looked in the bag. Two hand puppets and a shiny red clowns nose looked back at me forlornly.

“READ US A STORY UNKIE MAX!” shouted the dozen or so voices, sounding like the ghostly voices of a scratched gramophone record.

“STO-RY STO-RY STO-RY!” they echoed…

What happened for the next hour was a complete blur. No bourbon hangover, no amphetamine-fuelled nightmare, no jilted hooker or coke-crazed drug baron could compare to that hour of terror. Kids clambering over each other, snot – oh god – so much snot, everywhere and over everything. I swear I saw one kid grind an oreo into the cream-coloured vanity rug with his heel while another kid stuck a half-licked lolly to his mother’s butt while she was using her smartphone to update her twitter feed.

There was no choice. I dived through the closed window, vaulted the paddling pool, dived over the picket fence and ran. Just ran.

Two days later, Passos rang. He was plenty pissed.

Copyright Notice
This article first appeared on Dead Pixels on Toast and is reproduced here with the express permission of the author. The original article can be found here.

 

lord

“I’m still more hated than the Xbox One”, insists Lord Voldemort

lordHaving become aware of the large amount of criticism being directed at Microsoft’s upcoming console, a furious Lord Voldemort today insisted that he remained significantly more hated than the Xbox One.

Widely regarded as the evilest, cruelest and most powerful dark wizard in the entire history of the wizarding world, Voldemort stated that whilst he had been impressed with the new Xbox’s despicable policies and the sheer contempt shown towards gamers, he was confident that he would remain far more despised by humankind.

“I’m not that concerned,” said the Dark Lord, who gained fame through his attempts to conquer the human world in order to achieve pure-blood dominance.

“At the end of the day I’ve been in this game for a long time and I’m extremely dislikeable, even compared to Kinect.”

nerd

Unemployed 38-year-old man who still lives with his parents confident Xbox One will win next-gen

nerdThe debate as to which next-gen console will prove more successful appears to have been resolved today after a jobless 38-year-old man from Ohio confirmed in a three thousand word blog post that the Xbox One would undoubtedly emerge victorious.

Michael Elliott, who still lives at home with his parents and last night cried himself to sleep after realizing he had never achieved anything meaningful in his life, shared his thoughtful insights with the gaming community via N4G, clearly explaining that Microsoft’s current market capitalisation and strong online infrastructure would ensure their continued success.

Hunched at his computer in a small, dark basement room, Elliott skilfully rebuffed counter-arguments from other N4G users that he “sucked donkey dick”, all the while ignoring his mum’s demands to put the goddamn trash out.

“Sony’s got shit on Microsoft when it comes to online gaming,” Elliott proclaimed after SnakeEater86 accused him of being a “dumb fatass fanboy”.

“Eat shit and die,” he instructed another critic of his airtight arguments.

Following publication of Elliott’s predictions, many have questioned why someone with such an extraordinary understanding of global business spends his time writing and commenting on N4G articles when he could quite easily be running a multi-million dollar company.

The Daily Pixel reached out to Mr Elliott for comment but was informed by his Mum that her disappointment of a son wasn’t allowed out until he had finished cleaning his room.

stripes

Xbox One to feature go-faster stripes

The revised Xbox One, complete with go-faster stripe and spoiler.

The revised Xbox One, complete with go-faster stripe and spoiler.

With the news that the Xbox One will be getting a 53MHz bump to its GPU speed having failed to impress gamers, an increasingly frantic Microsoft today revealed that the console would also feature go-faster stripes.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, corporate vice-president Marc Whitten explained how the previously announced 6.62 per cent speed boost combined with the addition of go-faster stripes (available in red or navy blue) would ensure that the Xbox One remained a viable contender against the PS4.

Whitten said: “After I realised people were still worried about the capabilities of the console I called an emergency meeting of our senior engineers and demanded that they do something.

“It was a tense meeting. They were all shouting at me, saying I couldn’t just keep making shit up as I went along, that I lacked a clear vision and that they couldn’t work under these sort of conditions.

“Suddenly someone yelled why not just add go-faster stripes and the room collapsed into laughter, I assume because they couldn’t believe they hadn’t thought of it earlier.

“Naturally I told them to implement it immediately.”