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Microsoft and Nintendo to offer new health-focussed Smart Devices for idiots

Microsoft and Nintendo to offer new health-focussed Smart Devices for idiots

Microsoft and Nintendo hope that their upcoming health-focussed smart devices will help the millions of people that have no fucking clue how to look after themselves.

Announced today, the Microsoft Band and Nintendo’s ‘Contactless Sleep and Fatigue Sensor’ have been designed to monitor users’ general physical and psychological wellbeing, ensuring that people with no sense of self-preservation or ability to recognise inherently dangerous situations are alerted to their precarious lifestyles.

Cheapskates eagerly await introduction of PS4 SharePlay

Cheapskates eagerly await introduction of PS4 SharePlay

Stingy penny pinchers have reacted with delight to the news that as of today they will be able to play other people’s video games completely free of charge via the PS4’s new SharePlay function.

With firmware update 2.0 now available for download, freeloaders the world over have reportedly already begun relentlessly bugging their friends for a go on all the games they were too cheap to buy themselves.

Alien Isolation player adamant he’s perfectly happy in locker

Alien Isolation player adamant he’s perfectly happy in locker

26-year-old Alan Webb last night insisted that he was having “loads of fun” playing Alien Isolation, despite having spent the last 3 days in a locker.

Speaking exclusively to The Daily Pixel, Mr Webb strenuously denied rumours that he found the game too scary, contending that he was simply taking in the atmosphere and didn’t feel the need to rush things.

Kid terrified big box under Christmas tree might be a Wii U

Kid terrified big box under Christmas tree might be a Wii U

With the big day now little over a week away, 10-year-old Sam Harris has grown increasingly concerned that the large blue present sitting under the Christmas tree might be a Wii U.

Despite months of extolling the merits of the PS4, Sam remains convinced that his well-meaning parents have nevertheless mistakenly purchased Nintendo’s troubled console.

PS4 requires sacrifice of small animal to enable key features, says Sony

PS4 requires sacrifice of small animal to enable key features, says Sony

Sony today confirmed that the PS4 will require a blood sacrifice to enable key features such as MP3, CD and 3D Blu-ray support.

Gamers had this week reacted with surprise to the news that the console would not be shipping with full functionality, but in a statement Sony Worldwide Studios boss Shuhei Yoshida reassured prospective owners that all features would be available after a short blood soaked voodoo ritual.

Mysterious improvement in children’s behavior following announcement of PS4 release date

Mysterious improvement in children’s behavior following announcement of PS4 release date

Parents across America have reported sudden and baffling improvements in their children’s behavior following Sony’s announcement that the PS4 will hit stores on 15 November 2013.

Moms and dads have been left perplexed as their previously angsty and uncooperative offspring have transformed into doting little angels, willing to undertake all manner of household chores without complaint.

PS4 and Xbox One still not powerful enough to do legs, says Infinity Ward

PS4 and Xbox One still not powerful enough to do legs, says Infinity Ward

Having recently outlined some of the graphical improvements found in the PS4 and Xbox One renditions of Call of Duty: Ghosts, Infinity Ward today confirmed that the new consoles were still not powerful enough to give players visible legs.

Executive producer Mark Rubin told The Daily Pixel that whilst the next-gen versions of the popular first-person shooter franchise would feature significantly improved dynamic lighting and displacement mapping, gamers would unfortunately still have to play as ghostly floating, legless torsos.

“It better fucking have Bigfoot in it”, gamers tell Rockstar

“It better fucking have Bigfoot in it”, gamers tell Rockstar

Rockstar can take GTA 5’s exciting new gameplay features and shove them up its ass unless it has Bigfoot in it, gamers have said.

Despite announcements that the latest installment will feature the biggest map yet, extensive customization options, destructible environments, scuba diving and much more, gamers have said that unless they have the opportunity to see the legendary Sasquatch they don’t actually give a shit.

Shareholders win console war!

Shareholders win console war!

With the current generation of consoles coming to a close, PS3 and Xbox 360 owners were today shocked to discover that it was savvy investors with actual shares in Sony and Microsoft that had won the console war, not the legions of unwashed fanboys that had spent the last six years feverishly debating the merits of their preferred system.

“I’m still more hated than the Xbox One”, insists Lord Voldemort

“I’m still more hated than the Xbox One”, insists Lord Voldemort

Having become aware of the large amount of criticism being directed at Microsoft’s upcoming console, a furious Lord Voldemort today insisted that he remained significantly more hated than the Xbox One.

Widely regarded as the evilest, cruelest and most powerful dark wizard in the entire history of the wizarding world, Voldemort stated that whilst he had been impressed with the new Xbox’s despicable policies and the sheer contempt shown towards gamers, he was confident that he would remain far more despised by humankind.