Technology

Microsoft and Nintendo to offer new health-focussed Smart Devices for idiots

Microsoft and Nintendo to offer new health-focussed Smart Devices for idiots

Microsoft and Nintendo hope that their upcoming health-focussed smart devices will help the millions of people that have no fucking clue how to look after themselves.

Announced today, the Microsoft Band and Nintendo’s ‘Contactless Sleep and Fatigue Sensor’ have been designed to monitor users’ general physical and psychological wellbeing, ensuring that people with no sense of self-preservation or ability to recognise inherently dangerous situations are alerted to their precarious lifestyles.

Man fixes computer by swearing at it

Man fixes computer by swearing at it

In what’s thought to be the first case of its kind, a British man today successfully fixed his computer by hurling a tirade of verbal abuse at it.

Having spent three hours unsuccessfully attempting to connect his new laptop to his Belkin N300 wireless router, 34-year-old Thomas Phillips told of his surprise when he was finally presented with the Google homepage after accusing the device of being “a malicious little bastard” and threatening to smash its “goddamn motherfucking piece of shit brains in”.

The forth G

Excitement as man finds small area of land in UK with 4G signal

A man from Southend-on-Sea has found what is thought to be the UK’s first known location with a reliable 4G signal.

The small patch of land, approximately two-metres across, was discovered by 52-year-old Thomas Phillips in a quiet residential cul-de-sac close to his home in North Shoebury. The site has since become a hotspot for thousands of frustrated EE customers as they scramble to experience the elusive fourth G for themselves.

Londoners brave wet weather to watch New Year fireworks on their mobile phones

Londoners brave wet weather to watch New Year fireworks on their mobile phones

Crowds of over 250,000 people risked the cold and wet weather to make damn sure they didn’t miss the opportunity to film London’s New Year fireworks on their iPhones, iPads and other mobile devices.

Standing on the banks of the River Thames with their arms outstretched, revellers oohed and ahhed as they watched the incredible display of pyrotechnics and lights through their glaring, high-resolution displays, ensuring that no pop, bang or crackle went undocumented.

NASA scientists use Curiosity rover to draw giant penis on surface of Mars

NASA scientists use Curiosity rover to draw giant penis on surface of Mars

Shaking with mirth and speaking between uncontrollable fits of laughter, NASA head of Mars Exploration, Dr Richard Pettigrew, today told reporters how he and his team of scientists had used the space agency’s rover Curiosity to carve a massive, fourteen mile high image of an erect human penis into the surface of one of our nearest planetary neighbours, an achievement Pettigrew described as perhaps the most important, certainly the most hilarious in the annals of planetary science.

Apple announces slightly smaller iPad for slightly less pretentious people

Apple announces slightly smaller iPad for slightly less pretentious people

Apple today revealed a mini version of its iPad for people who aren’t pretentious enough to think that taking photographs with something the size of a phone book is socially acceptable.

Speaking at the invite-only launch event in California, Apple chief executive Tim Cook told excited guests that whilst the company had traditionally marketed its products at the wealthy, self-important, freewheeling creative crowd, the new iPad Mini had been specifically designed to appeal to the slightly less conceited consumer.

Microsoft confident all future technology to involve waving your arms around like a fucking crazy person

Microsoft confident all future technology to involve waving your arms around like a fucking crazy person

Having unveiled their prototype hand-gesture sensor on Tuesday, researchers at Microsoft’s UK-based computer science laboratory are confident that all technology will soon be controlled by waving your arms around like some sort of whack job.

With fast and exciting developments in gesture recognition, Microsoft scientists believe that it’s only a matter of time until even the simplest of tasks, such as turning on a light, making toast or flushing the toilet, will be accomplished through wild, gorilla-like arm flapping.

Apple to move iPhone 5 production from China to Santa’s workshop

Apple to move iPhone 5 production from China to Santa’s workshop

Apple today announced that it plans to replace its increasingly troublesome Chinese workforce with a small but incredibly efficient team of magical elves.

Speaking at a Christmas themed press conference, Chief Executive Tim Cook explained that his decision to move iPhone 5 production to Santa’s enchanted workshop would ensure an end to the on-going Foxconn labor dispute with the added benefit of dramatically improving employment prospects in the North Pole.

No one cares!

Study reveals 100% of Facebook friends not interested in your baby

Facebook friends have absolutely no interest in the contents of your uterus, pictures of your baby’s adorable smile or the color of its poo, it has emerged.

A study conducted by leading market research company Nielsen has revealed that, contrary to popular belief, not a single one of Facebook’s 950 million users are the slightest bit interested in anything your baby has done or ever will do, no matter how utterly mind-blowingly magical it might seem to you.

iPhone 5 owners search for new queues to join

iPhone 5 owners search for new queues to join

Proud iPhone 5 owners that camped for days outside Apple stores last week are now on the lookout for new and exciting queuing opportunities, it has emerged.

Frustrated shoppers the world over have reported a massive rise in waiting times at local supermarkets, gas stations, banks and even public libraries as thousands of bleary-eyed Apple fans flood queues, relaxing under blankets and engaging in mind-numbingly tedious chatter about how absolutely fucking brilliant it is to own an iPhone.