Category Archives: Technology

shouting

Man fixes computer by swearing at it

shoutingIn what’s thought to be the first case of its kind, a British man today successfully fixed his computer by hurling a tirade of verbal abuse at it.

Having spent three hours unsuccessfully attempting to connect his new laptop to his Belkin N300 wireless router, 34-year-old Thomas Phillips told of his surprise when he was finally presented with the Google homepage after accusing the device of being “a malicious little bastard” and threatening to smash its “goddamn motherfucking piece of shit brains in.”

“I couldn’t believe it,” said the father of two. “I’d tried everything to get it to connect, reinstalling drivers, playing around with the channel settings and re-entering my password, but it was only after I threatened to fuck it up that I made any real progress.”

Spurred on by his initial success, Mr Phillips was later able to set-up his web-cam and printer simply by screaming “you fucking cocksucker” whilst pounding the keyboard with his fists. 

The forth G

Excitement as man finds small area of land in UK with 4G signal

The fourth G

Mr Phillips points to where he found the 4th G

A man from Southend-on-Sea has found what is thought to be the UK’s first known location with a reliable 4G signal.

The small patch of land, approximately two-metres across, was discovered by 52-year-old Thomas Phillips in a quiet residential cul-de-sac close to his home in North Shoebury. The site has since become a hotspot for thousands of frustrated EE customers as they scramble to experience the elusive fourth G for themselves.

Speaking to The Daily Pixel, Mr Phillips told of his surprise when he realised that his £55-a-month handset had at long last connected to the UK’s highly anticipated 4G network:

“When I saw the little 4G indicator in my status bar I literally just froze, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The salesman in Phones4U had said that I might feel some sort of magical, tingly sensation when I first connected to a 4G network, but apart from the initial shock I guess I felt pretty normal.

“My hands were shaking but I managed to call my girlfriend and told her I was speaking to her on 4G. I asked if she could tell the difference and she said I sounded a bit posher, which was nice.

“Next I booted up Angry Birds to see what it was like with 4G turned on. I’d been stuck on this one level for months but to my surprise this time I managed to clear it with two birds to spare. I couldn’t fucking believe it!”

Despite Mr Phillips’ initial positive experience, he warned those interested in experiencing the awesome power of the 4G that Facebook nevertheless remained full of insecure, narcissistic wankers.

fireworks

Londoners brave wet weather to watch New Year fireworks on their mobile phones

fireworksCrowds of over 250,000 people risked the cold and wet weather to make damn sure they didn’t miss the opportunity to film London’s New Year fireworks on their iPhones, iPads and other mobile devices.

Standing on the banks of the River Thames with their arms outstretched, revellers oohed and ahhed as they watched the incredible display of pyrotechnics and lights through their glaring, high-resolution displays, ensuring that no pop, bang or crackle went undocumented.

“Looking through my iPhone’s 326 PPI retina display, the fireworks looked almost as real as the real ones just above my head,” said 27-year-old Londoner, Michael Hodge.

Another excited partygoer said: “I normally just stay at home and watch the fireworks on TV, but this year me and my friends decided we’d make the effort to come down and watch everything on our phones instead.”

She continued: “The atmosphere as everyone stood in silence and watched the show on their personal devices was just fantastic! At one point I Whatsapp’d my friend who was standing next to me to see whether she was enjoying it and she agreed it was the best thing she’d ever watched on her Samsung Galaxy S3! I can only imagine how awesome it would have been on a Galaxy Note 2 or an iPad Mini!

“I just can’t wait to get home and watch the whole thing again and again and again.”

rover

NASA scientists use Curiosity rover to draw giant penis on surface of Mars

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER–Shaking with mirth and speaking between uncontrollable fits of laughter, NASA head of Mars Exploration, Dr Richard Pettigrew, today told reporters how he and his team of scientists had used the space agency’s rover Curiosity to carve a massive, fourteen mile high image of an erect human penis into the surface of one of our nearest planetary neighbours, an achievement Pettigrew described as perhaps the most important, certainly the most hilarious in the annals of planetary science.

As he was speaking, Pettigrew’s colleague on the panel, Professor Marvin Franklin, interjected, “Hur, hur. He said annals“, sending the room into uproar and the respected aeronautical engineer into a further bout of helpless giggling.

Several minutes later, after Dr Pettigrew had managed to recover his composure sufficiently, the 53 year old went on to say that the operation to complete the titanic tumescence, complete with little hairs and a dotted line preceding from the tip to indicate ejaculation had occurred, had been a “total blast”, and a nice break from all the boring rock analysis that formed the bulk of his team’s work on the red planet.

Professor Franklin then looked over at the man in charge of the multi-billion dollar project to test the theory that Mars could once have supported life. “Oh man, you just said analysis“, he sniggered, placing a heavy stress on the first two syllables of the word.

Dr Pettigrew once again dissolved into paroxysms of laughter.

“It’s just,” attempted the married father of three, tears streaming down his face.

“You gotta see it!”, he tried again, thumping the desk.

“I mean it’s definitely the funniest thing I ever saw. It even beats the time Professor Franklin here painted his wang with UV fluorescent paint and got it out in front of the First Lady at the NASA Christmas party!”

Here the MacArthur Fellow took a drink but immediately burst out laughing again, spraying the first two rows of journalists with water as he did so.

“Ah, crap,” continued the two times winner of the NASA exceptional achievement medal. “I think I just peed a little bit in my pants.”

But not everybody is quite as impressed as Dr Pettigrew at NASA’s latest giant, priapic leap into the unknown.

Rep. Earl Tucker (TX-17), a serial killjoy, has expressed concerns regarding the cost of the monumental baby-maker to the US taxpayer.

“This gigantic space prick took something like six months to build, during which time no other important scientific experiments were completed or even attempted,” complained the congressman in an open letter to the Washington Post. “Mark my words, questions are going to be asked about this up on The Hill.”

Elsewhere, LA Times art critic Stacey Lachter condemned the monstrous martian trouser snake on artistic grounds.

“If you are going to commit an act of interplanetary vandalism by inscribing a johnson the length of nine runways on the side of a planet the Romans named after the dread God of War himself,” she wrote. “You could at least do it with some élan and utilise some artistic skill.”

Lachter then went on to compare the NASA team’s monolithic member unfavourably with other outsize primitive artworks such as the Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset, England, and the Nazca Lines of southern Peru.

But Dr Pettigrew is adamant there is nothing, but nothing, in this solar system or any other that’s funnier than a staggeringly large picture of a spurting cock, however amateurishly it might be rendered.

“It’s taken mankind fifty thousand years to get to a point where it can draw a vast, admittedly crude approximation of the male genitalia on an alien world. But now we have done it,” he said. “What’s another six months and roughly one hundred and fifty six million dollars in the service of that noble, not to mention totally hysterical, aim?”

Pettigrew continued, “I believe that our gargantuan weenie is just the sort of thing the country needs to put a smile back on its face in this time of economic uncertainty and is proof once again that America is at the very forefront of side-splitting, bleeding-edge scientific research.”

He also defended his team’s artistic credentials, saying: “I know that Dr Ellen Watson has definitely taken a few life drawing classes in the past. And anyway, you should try doing some fancy-schmancy drawing when all you have is one robotic arm, 45 million miles away, pointlessly tapping away at the surface of a mostly barren, featureless cube, I mean, planet. I bet you couldn’t do any better.”

Finally, when asked what he planned to do next, now that the enormous extraterrestrial erection was completed, Dr Pettigrew said that once they had aligned the Hubble telescope correctly with Mars so they could get a really good shot of the thing, he would probably order his team to write the words “Professor M. Franklin is an asshole” in fifty foot high letters around the base, just because.

ipad_mini

Apple announces slightly smaller iPad for slightly less pretentious people

Apple today revealed a mini version of its iPad for people who aren’t pretentious enough to think that taking photographs with something the size of a phone book is socially acceptable.

Speaking at the invite-only launch event in California, Apple chief executive Tim Cook told excited guests that whilst the company had traditionally marketed its products at the wealthy, self-important, freewheeling creative crowd, the new iPad Mini had been specifically designed to appeal to the slightly less conceited consumer.

Cook said: “If you’re the type of person that cringes every time you see some smug douchebag at Walmart acting like it’s totally normal to use an iPad as a shopping list, or find yourself wanting to smack the shit out of that guy in the front row that insists on watching the whole fucking show through his enormous 9.7-inch retina display, the iPad Mini is almost certainly for you.”

During the two-hour presentation Cook explained that the small form factor of the iPad Mini meant that individuals could finally enjoy all the features of the standard iPad without having to look like a compete tool.

“Our design team really went back to the drawing board for the iPad Mini to bring you a device that’s 23% thinner, 53% lighter and 45% less smug,” he said.

Cook also revealed that in order to keep pretentiousness to an absolute minimum, Apple staff were under strict instructions not to refer to the device as ‘revolutionary’, or to suggest that it possessed some sort of ancient magical power.

idiot_gesture_control

Microsoft confident all future technology to involve waving your arms around like a fucking crazy person

Having unveiled their prototype hand-gesture sensor on Tuesday, researchers at Microsoft’s UK-based computer science laboratory are confident that all technology will soon be controlled by waving your arms around like some sort of whack job.

With fast and exciting developments in gesture recognition, Microsoft scientists believe that it’s only a matter of time until even the simplest of tasks, such as turning on a light, making toast or flushing the toilet, will be accomplished through wild, gorilla-like arm flapping.

“Our wrist-worn sensor has the potential to revolutionize the way that people interact with technology”, said project leader David Kim.

“Whereas you might currently turn your television on using a remote control, with our gesture sensor you can simply stick a finger in your ear and smack an imaginary button in the middle of your forehead.

“You could even tap out numbers on a make-believe number pad to call someone on your cell without actually having to take it out your pocket. Fuck knows how you’d talk to them, but who the hell cares when you’re basically Tom Cruise from Minority Report.”

With the technology likely to become commercially available within the next few years, analysts expect it to be popular among Kinect users and other people with no self-respect.

santas_workshop

Apple to move iPhone 5 production from China to Santa’s workshop

Apple today announced that it plans to replace its increasingly troublesome Chinese workforce with a small but incredibly efficient team of magical elves.

Speaking at a Christmas themed press conference, Chief Executive Tim Cook explained that his decision to move iPhone 5 production to Santa’s enchanted workshop would ensure an end to the on-going Foxconn labor dispute with the added benefit of dramatically improving employment prospects in the North Pole.

“We can no longer simply stand by and watch as selfish, work-shy freeloaders damage our reputation with their never-ending strikes and mass suicides”, Cook said.

“Thankfully you won’t see our new workers getting all uptight about poorly compensated 100-hour workweeks, daily exposure to hazardous chemicals or the mysterious disappearance of Papa Elf after he said he’d rather work for Samsung.

“With a song in their heart and a spring in their step, these adorable little guys will fit A6 processors and LCD touchscreens until their fingers drop off and they shit glitter.

“You know, that was the problem with the Chinese, a lack of festive cheer.”

No one cares!

Study reveals 100% of Facebook friends not interested in your baby

No one cares!

Facebook friends have absolutely no interest in the contents of your uterus, pictures of your baby’s adorable smile or the color of its poo, it has emerged.

A study conducted by leading market research company Nielsen has revealed that, contrary to popular belief, not a single one of Facebook’s 950 million users are the slightest bit interested in anything your baby has done or ever will do, no matter how utterly mind-blowingly magical it might seem to you.

Professor Cheryl Carter who headed up the research project said: “Whilst you might assume that the hundreds of complete strangers you call your friends would be falling over themselves to join you in celebrating the miracle of life, our research suggests they actually couldn’t give a shit.”

She continued: “As part of the 2-year study we interviewed over 10 million Facebook users, asking them to list in order of preference the things they most enjoyed looking at online. With the exception of one creepy homeless guy we think snuck in through an open window, your baby was not one of them.

“Whilst some of the mothers that took part in our tests did initially demonstrate some interest in hearing about other people’s children, we quickly realised that this was no more than a thinly-veiled excuse for them to talk about their own stupid babies.

“Quite simply, no one fucking cared.”

With over a million excruciatingly dreary baby pictures uploaded to Facebook every hour, Professor Carter told The Daily Pixel that she hoped the findings would encourage new mothers to show some goddamn restraint.

“What we seem to be dealing with here is a phenomenon known as Facebookosis, a disturbingly common condition where an individual becomes completely unable to distinguish between theirs and other people’s interests.

“Hopefully this study will finally make these people realize that the rest of the world has absolutely no interest in their unbearably dull lives or their peculiar looking children.”

queue

iPhone 5 owners search for new queues to join

Proud iPhone 5 owners that camped for days outside Apple stores last week are now on the lookout for new and exciting queuing opportunities, it has emerged.

Frustrated shoppers the world over have reported a massive rise in waiting times at local supermarkets, gas stations, banks and even public libraries as thousands of bleary-eyed Apple fans flood queues, relaxing under blankets and engaging in mind-numbingly tedious chatter about how absolutely fucking brilliant it is to own an iPhone.

In New York, hair stylist and business owner Yvette Anderson was surprised to find several hundred iPhone 5 users lined up outside her small salon on 5th Avenue, with many having spent the night on the sidewalk.

“I normally have a couple of customers waiting for me in the morning, but today the line’s stretching around the block”, said Yvette. “I’ve tried to find out why they’re so desperate to visit my salon, but all they do is whoop and high-five me.

“Don’t get me wrong I’m glad to have the extra business, especially in these difficult times, but some of my regulars are getting really angry. Poor old Mrs Brown over there just came for a perm, but she’s already been waiting six hours and there’s still over two hundred people in front of her.”

In London, local butcher Clive Barker was equally shocked to be greeted by the cheers of almost three hundred Apple fans upon opening the doors of his shop on Tuesday morning.

Worryingly, eyewitnesses claim that Mr Barker was later forced to flee the scene after the excited crowd began chanting “We want meat! We want meat!”

Responding to public anger, authorities are rumored to be drawing up plans to place all iPhone 5 owners into a giant human circle in the hope that this will satisfy their insatiable desire to queue until Apple announces its next contraption.

zombie_apple

US Army on lookout for mindless zombie horde following record iPhone 5 pre-orders

There is growing concern that the dead may be rising from their graves and mindlessly walking the Earth after Apple announced that the iPhone 5 had notched up more than two million pre-orders in its first 24 hours.

Government officials fear that the frenzied, mass uptake of such a completely underwhelming and overpriced device raises the strong possibility that the individuals involved may have had their judgement impaired as a result of being clinically brain dead, leading to predictions of an impending zombie apocalypse.

“Things are looking pretty grim at the moment”, said Dr Jennifer Adams, Head of Brain and Cognitive Science at Stanford University.

“It’s clear from the data that a sizeable chunk of the population have lost either all or most of their higher brain functions, turning them into mindless, dribbling lunatics that act without logic or reason. Their overwhelming desire to pre-order the iPhone 5, despite the existence of many other superior yet cheaper products, clearly demonstrates a complete absence of any rational thought.”

Police are investigating this possible sighting in San Diego.

“Make no mistake, whilst these people might look like your friends or loved ones, the kindest thing you can do for them now is to crush their skull with a large shovel.”

Bizarrely, despite the seemingly conclusive evidence, the US Military has so far been unable to locate the two million strong zombie horde and has urged citizens to remain indoors whilst it continues its search.

“Right now we are urging people to remain calm”, said Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta at a packed press conference this morning. “The best thing you can do is to go home, lock your doors and be extremely wary of shambling individuals that seem intent on throwing their money away.”

Meanwhile, reports of isolated incidents are flooding in, leading to concern that it may already be too late to contain the outbreak.

“I was in Best Buy yesterday evening when I saw this scruffy-looking guy checking out a Mac Book Air”, said 27-year-old New Yorker, Mark Griffin.

“I didn’t pay much attention at first, but then to my horror I realised he was actually going to buy it. I quickly pointed out that other systems provided far better value for money, but he just let out this horrible, long morbid groan and shuffled away towards the checkout.

“God help us all.”