World

This is Max Payne

The Secret Diary of Max Payne: Making a cup of tea

The day started like any other. The usual shaft of light beaming through the crack in the curtain and the shrill constant beeping of next door’s alarm clock scratching at the walls. Christ, the only thing missing from this picture was the dustman reversing down the road clattering the green plastic tops of wheelie-bins like a rejected cast member of Stomp wreaking revenge on the sleepy town of Bromley.

Village’s catchy theme music helps boost tourism

Village’s catchy theme music helps boost tourism

A small, nondescript trading village has reported a dramatic increase in the number of lingering visitors thanks to its theme music being just so damn good.

Residents of Etrova, who are accustomed to the passing trade of travelers looking to stock up on weapons and magical artifacts before journeying out into the world beyond, say that a growing number of adventurers are choosing to remain in town, wandering or standing around for days on end in some cases, because, as one person who makes a living collecting monsters and training them to fight explained, “the theme music here is fucking great!”

World War II shows no sign of ending

World War II shows no sign of ending

Roughly 30 years after the first shot was fired, it seems nothing will bring about the end of World War II. Citizens the world over have begun to wonder if the brutal, destructive conflict will ever end, and why it hasn’t already.

“Well, It’s an extremely popular war,” says Sergeant Bill Taylor, who has personally participated in thousands of invasions of Normandy. “Simple as that. Soldiers love it. Ask a soldier to choose which war he’d most like to fight and die in, and he’ll choose World War II. Every time.”

Adventurers told to stop wasting time cooking, dating and buying houses

Adventurers told to stop wasting time cooking, dating and buying houses

The Guild of Heroes has raised concern that adventurers are increasingly spending more time cooking, collecting insignificant objects and undertaking tedious odd jobs than they do saving the world.

In a strongly worded open letter, Guild Chairman Jarvis Ravenclaw blasted adventurers who “continually deviated from their mission to pursue personal interests”, with shocking examples of heroes caught dating, getting married and even purchasing property whilst they were meant to be working.

Adventurer rescued after becoming completely tangled in incredibly long scarf

Adventurer rescued after becoming completely tangled in incredibly long scarf

An adventurer on his way to the peak of a distant mountain had to be rescued after he became completely tangled up in his 30-foot-long red scarf.

The unlucky individual, who has asked not to be named, got into difficulty shortly after commencing his journey and was only saved thanks to the actions of a kind-hearted passerby who spent 3 hours unknotting him.

Moody teenager with long hair and bad attitude told he may have to save world

Moody teenager with long hair and bad attitude told he may have to save world

Described by friends and family as “completely unlikeable”, “excessively dramatic” and “needlessly grumpy”, the young Shima Moonheart was today utterly disinterested to discover that he may have to save the world.

Upon being informed that the fate of humanity could soon rest in his hands, the indolent teenager rolled his eyes, shrugged his shoulders and proceeded to stare despondently into the distance, occasionally yawning loudly.

Concern over military cutbacks as lone pilot sent to intercept 100,000 alien spacecrafts

Concern over military cutbacks as lone pilot sent to intercept 100,000 alien spacecrafts

The fate of humanity once again hangs in the balance after NASA announced it had discovered an armada of over 100,000 hostile alien spacecrafts erratically zigzagging its way across the galaxy towards Earth.

The US Government has appealed for calm in the face of almost certain mass extinction, assuring angry citizens that the decision to send a single lightweight vessel to intercept the gargantuan fleet was not financially motivated.

Local man sick to death of all these zombies

Local man sick to death of all these zombies

Describing himself as “a pretty tolerant kind of guy” and “someone who holds mainly liberal views”, 27-year-old business analyst Alan McGregor nevertheless said yesterday that he was actually “really fed up” with the plague of zombies that has hit his city.

Speaking to reporters from behind the makeshift barricade he has erected in his living room, McGregor said he felt like he could live with his new neighbours’ bloodthirsty and monomaniacal nature if only they weren’t all so insufferably boring.

Anger and confusion after alchemist sells blue healing potions and red mana potions

Anger and confusion after alchemist sells blue healing potions and red mana potions

Wizard and warrior unions are threatening legal action against an alchemist selling blue healing potions and red mana potions.

Both guilds say they have been inundated with complaints from members who have become confused in the heat of battle and lost valuable XP.

Soldier really wishes he could see his legs

Soldier really wishes he could see his legs

Private James Morris had always considered himself to be a pretty ordinary soldier, spending most of his time mixed up in absurd international conspiracies and participating in wild snowmobile gunfights.

However, the 21-year-old’s life was turned upside-down when he discovered that he was unable to see his own legs, no matter how hard he looked. Despite assurances from his colleagues that he does indeed have legs, Morris has struggled to cope with his peculiar visual impairment.