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  • Featured World Local man sick to death of all these zombies

    Local man sick to death of all these zombies

    Describing himself as “a pretty tolerant kind of guy” and “someone who holds mainly liberal views”, 27 year old business analyst Alan McGregor nevertheless said yesterday that he was actually “really fed up” with the plague of zombies that has hit the city.

    Speaking to reporters from behind the makeshift barricade he has erected in his living room, McGregor said he felt like he could live with his new neighbours’ bloodthirsty and monomaniacal nature if only they weren’t all so insufferably boring.

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  • Adventuring Anger and confusion after alchemist sells blue healing potions and red mana potions

    Anger and confusion after alchemist sells blue healing potions and red mana potions

    Wizard and warrior unions are threatening legal action against an alchemist selling blue healing potions and red mana potions.

    Both guilds say they have been inundated with complaints from members who have become confused in the heat of battle and lost valuable XP.

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  • Featured Health Soldier really wishes he could see his legs

    Soldier really wishes he could see his legs

    Private James Morris had always considered himself to be a pretty ordinary soldier, spending most of his time mixed up in absurd international conspiracies and participating in wild snowmobile gunfights.

    However, the 21-year-old’s life was turned upside-down when he discovered that he was unable to see his own legs, no matter how hard he looked. Despite assurances from his colleagues that he does indeed have legs, Morris has struggled to cope with his peculiar visual impairment.

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  • Featured Sports Horror at car racing event as driver intentionally drives wrong way around track

    Horror at car racing event as driver intentionally drives wrong way around track

    Spectators at a European Hot Hatch Championship event were left in shock when the driver of an Alfa Romeo 1600 Duetto ’66 proceeded to drive the wrong way around the track, intentionally crashing head-on with oncoming cars.

    Witnesses claim that the driver began his potentially deadly circuit shortly after losing pole position to a Ferrari 458 Italia ’09. Infuriated at having to compete against such an overpowered car, it is believed that the driver decided to take revenge.

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  • Adventuring Featured Adventure delayed as hero struggles to decide on hairstyle

    Adventure delayed as hero struggles to decide on hairstyle

    An aspiring hero intending to save a mystical land from an unimaginable evil has had to delay his adventure because he simply can’t decide on a hairstyle.

    The brave warrior had initially made good progress preparing for his epic journey, promptly choosing a suitably heroic name, class and preferred style of facial hair. However, when asked by his hairdresser what he wanted to do with his hair, he was unable to decide.

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  • Featured World Japanese police call for ban on giant-sized traffic cones in crackdown on mob violence

    Japanese police call for ban on giant-sized traffic cones in crackdown on mob violence

    Japanese police have called for new laws banning giant-sized traffic cones, bicycles and shop signs after the items became weapons of choice for Yakuza hitmen.

    It follows a spate of murders on the streets of Tokyo’s notorious Kamurocho district that has also seen a 450% rise in the number of potted-plant-based assaults and a 137% increase in umbrella-related attacks.

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  • Featured World Skyrim residents claim there literally isn’t enough time in the day

    Skyrim residents claim there literally isn’t enough time in the day

    Residents living in the province of Skyrim, Tamriel, have complained that they are facing a huge backlog of work as a result of the region receiving only 36 minutes of daylight per day.

    Business analysts fear that Skyrim’s feudal economy is essentially paralysed, with farmers, blacksmiths, alchemist and woodcutters claiming that the chronic lack of time is severely limiting productivity. Serious sleep and anxiety disorders are also reported to be on the rise.

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  • Featured World Concern as Dr Gordon Freeman appointed head of particle physics at CERN

    Concern as Dr Gordon Freeman appointed head of particle physics at CERN

    Critics of the world’s most powerful particle physics experiment have reacted with horror to the news that Dr Gordon Freeman has accepted the high-profile position at CERN, claiming that the appointment is sheer lunacy.

    Freeman, who is believed to be taking a break from liberating Earth from the brutal rule of the Combine, has so far remained silent. However, friends of the aloof scientist claim he has learnt from his previous mistakes and is ready to move on with his life.

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