Describing himself as “a pretty tolerant kind of guy” and “someone who holds mainly liberal views”, 27-year-old business analyst Alan McGregor nevertheless said yesterday that he was actually “really fed up” with the plague of zombies that has hit his city.
Speaking to reporters from behind the makeshift barricade he has erected in his living room, McGregor said he felt like he could live with his new neighbours’ bloodthirsty and monomaniacal nature if only they weren’t all so insufferably boring.
“It’s just that they have so little to say for themselves,” McGregor said. “Between you and me, it’s almost enough to make me want to take a chainsaw to the whole shambling mass of them.”
He continued: “Normally, my attitude is live and let live. But these zombies aren’t even really alive, are they? So, you know, it’s difficult.”
McGregor complained that he has to run the gauntlet of the ravening, boorish horde every weekday on his commute to and home from work.
“I’ll be trying to get to my car and there’ll be twenty or thirty of them clustered around me, moaning and groaning to themselves, practically clambering over one another to get at my internal organs”, he said. “I literally have to fight them off with my briefcase.”
McGregor told us that things rarely improve even when he reaches the relative safety of his office.
“I’ve always tried to keep things on a professional level at work,” he said. “But it’s hard to stay focussed on the job when Mark from Accounts and Jenny from Marketing are salivating at you over the partition wall.
Nothing gets done anymore. In meetings it’s a real struggle to get everyone to stick to the agenda. They keep getting up out of their chairs, stumbling towards me, pawing at my body and trying to take a bite out of my face. I usually have to give up on the whole thing and leave the room. Honestly, most days I get so bored I could scream.”
Depressingly, even family members appear to be succumbing to this scourge of tediousness as the zombie infection spreads.
McGregor explained that on Sunday evening he had telephoned his mother for their weekly catch-up: “We were just chatting away and I was enjoying having a normal conversation for once. Suddenly there was the sound of breaking glass and then a brief, bloodcurdling yell. After that, all Mum could say was ‘Brains! Brains! I want to eat your brrraaaiiinnnssssss!’ And I just thought, ‘Oh, God. Not you as well!'”
McGregor said it took a further twenty minutes to get his mother off the phone.
Throughout the interview, McGregor was insistent that he had nothing against zombies per se. But he did admit that the growing ranks of the undead in the local area had made him seriously consider moving somewhere else.
“I heard the zombies haven’t made it as far as Birmingham,” he said. “But I’m not sure I can stomach the thought of moving that far north”.