Male gamers unsure why bitches don’t like video game culture

Male gamers are increasingly concerned that despite ground-breaking advances in boob physics and a remarkable rise in the number of super-hot female protagonists, many bitches just aren’t that into video games.

With the noble attempts of developers failing to draw in the skirt, gamers are increasingly worried that there might be something about video game culture itself that females find utterly repugnant. However, attempts to identify what this might be have so far drawn a blank, leading some male gamers to speculate that disinterested babes might just be “having their period”.

Indie dev disappointed at low piracy rates of new game

More than a month after he proudly released his debut game into the world, independent developer Andrew Watson has expressed his dismay at the disappointingly low number of entitled freeloaders who have so far bothered to pirate it.

“Everybody knows that pirates are degenerate bottom-feeders with absolutely no sense of decency” said Watson, who has spent the last five years holed up in his bedroom writing the game. “They know my game is available on all the major torrent sites and yet they continue not to download it for nothing. I simply can’t understand the mentality that drives these robbing tightwads not to just go ahead and pinch it already.”

E3 2012: Boobs top ‘most wanted’ poll

A ‘most wanted’ poll conducted by IGN has revealed that 93% of gamers are hoping that boobs will make an appearance at E3 2012, the famous video game convention due to take place in June.

Runners-up in the poll included hot asses, awesome legs and Luigi’s Mansion 2. However, the results are likely to fuel concerns that E3 has become something of a flesh parade, with industry professionals adamant that scorching hot “booth babes” are increasingly using the event to seduce them.

People claiming video games cause violent and aggressive behavior should be shot, say gamers

Gamers have reacted angrily to the findings of a recent study that suggests playing video games significantly increases aggression levels, demanding that the authors of the “sensationalist research” be taken outside and shot.

“These bastards deserve to die”, said one furious Battlefield 3 player. “I’m sick to death of these f**kers talking sh*t about our hobby, spouting pseudo-scientific gobbledygook in a bid to make a name for themselves. I’d love to get my hands on these so-called scientists and give them a real good kicking. Let’s see how smart they are with my foot up their ass”.

Activision confirms Black Ops 2 will feature guns

Following months of speculation, teasers and leaked screenshots, Activision has at last confirmed that Black Ops 2 will feature guns – lots of them.

With the launch of the official website, fans of the innovative series were astonished to discover that the latest instalment will also include online competitive play, a leveling system and a whole host of ludicrously overpowered killstreaks, all of which will be powered by the ground-breaking Call of Duty 4 engine.

Damien Hirst snaps PS3 game in half, video games now unanimously considered art

The debate as to whether video games can ever be art  ended today when UK artist Damien Hirst, frustrated at his inability to gain the notoriously difficult platinum trophy in Dark Souls, snapped his disc in half, inadvertently transforming it into a $3 million masterpiece. Artists the world over have since agreed that video games can now officially be considered art, with gamers free to comment on the beauty of their favorite games without sounding like pretentious douchebags. “It’s quite a relief”, said one Word of Warcraft [...]

Peter Molyneux promises his next lie will be the best lie he’s ever told

Peter Molyneux, the brains behind Fable and the ill-fated Project Milo, has assured fans that he is currently working on the biggest and most outrageous lie of his career, a lie so grand in scope and vision that it will change gaming, perhaps even life as we know it, forever.

The self-proclaimed king of really big fibs recently left Lionhead, the Microsoft owned studio he founded 15 years ago, to set up 22Cans – the name being a subtle reference to the amount of beer he had consumed the night he decided to go it alone. However, Molyneux is adamant that his ninja-like skills of deception remain unscathed and that his next lie will change everything.

Nintendo worried America doesn’t have enough cupboard space for the Wii U

With the Wii and its numerous peripherals already estimated to be occupying 85% of the nation’s cupboard space, Nintendo is increasingly anxious that consumers simply won’t have anywhere to put its next console – the Wii U.

“It’s a big problem”, admitted Reggie Fils-Aime, Nintendo of America’s President and chief operating officer. “Whereas people generally like to keep their Xboxes and PlayStations under the TV, the Wii is almost always given pride of place in the cupboard, usually right at the back. American consumers are no doubt looking at the Wii U and thinking: ‘damn that’s hot, but is my cupboard really big enough for another Nintendo console?’”