Tag Archives: resident evil

cd_stuck

Getting the disc out of the box without snapping it voted scariest gaming moment this gen

cd_stuckAs the current generation of consoles draws to a close, gamers have voted getting the disc out the box without snapping it the single most terrifying moment of the last 7 years.

Despite tough competition from well-known horror franchises including Resident Evil, Dead Space and Silent Hill, the act of actually removing a modern video game from the clutches of its plastic case has nevertheless been deemed infinitely more scary than anything likely to be contained on the disc itself.

“My first few moments with Resident Evil 6 were terrifying and really recaptured the sense of dread that I’d loved about the original games,” said 22-year-old Jeff Harris who participated in the IGN survey.

“I’d managed to get the cellophane wrap off without too much trouble, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get the game to pop out. I was pressing down hard on that stupid little button in the middle, and I’d managed to work my nails underneath the CD to try and pull on it at the same time, but it just wouldn’t budge. I was really freaking out because I could see the disc bending and I’m thinking it’s going to snap if I’m not careful, but I knew my only option was to keep on trying.

“I’ll be honest, the rest of the game was pretty tame in comparison to those initial moments.”

Notable runners up in the survey included racking up an epic kill streak in CoD only to realize you urgently need a poo, and suddenly doubting that you remembered to “save and quit” when you last played Halo.

re6

Capcom confident Resident Evil 6 will be the least scary game you’ll play this year

Japanese developer Capcom has today confirmed that the highly anticipated Resident Evil 6 will continue the series’ tradition of being completely and utterly unscary.

Speaking exclusively to The Daily Pixel, game producer Hiroyuki Kobayashi explains that he and his team are in the process of identifying potentially frightening content that players might encounter during their 3-and-a-half-hour adventure, ensuring that such material is urgently removed from the code prior to release.

“We’re constantly perfecting our ability to make games that lack any kind of tension and we’re confident Resident Evil 6 will be the least scary game you’ll play this year”, smiles Kobayashi.

“Regrettably there were some unintentionally creepy and tense moments in the early Resident Evil games and for this I apologise profusely. However, Resident Evil 6 builds upon everything we’ve learnt over the last decade and I can assure fans that there’s absolutely no chance that they will be subjected to any shocks or scares. I don’t want to be accused of fuelling the hype-machine, but Toy Story is scarier than the adventure we’ve dreamt up.”

Resident Evil 6 is scheduled for release on 2 October 2012 and will be available on PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360.

door

Evacuation of spooky mansion hindered by indestructible wooden doors

Employees attending a corporate team building event at a remote country mansion had to be evacuated after a number of individuals developed an insatiable desire to consume human flesh.

Organisers attempted to evacuate the building but discovered that every conceivable exit was blocked by seemingly indestructible wooden doors, all of which were locked, often from the other side.

Icon Asset Management had hoped that the team building exercise would improve staff morale, communication and productivity. However, the company now faces an uncertain future as it struggles to support traumatised staff, many of whom are likely to require a lifetime of therapy to overcome the unimaginable horrors they witnessed after their colleagues were transformed into mindless, bloodthirsty flesh eaters.

The company said it hired the secluded mansion to ensure that staff remained focused on the team building exercises, but admitted that it had failed to carry out a full health and safety assessment for the event and had therefore not identified the indestructible wooden doors as a potential hazard.

“In many ways this was a perfect storm”, a spokesman for the company said. “On their own, neither zombies nor indestructible wooden doors pose a significant risk to human life. However, if you combine the two, you’ve got yourself a recipe for indescribable horror.”

Simon Anderson, an Accounts Manager for Icon Asset Management who attended the ill-fated event, agreed to speak to The Daily Pixel about his horrendous experience. With a pale complexion, untidy hair and deep, dark sunken eyes, it was immediately clear the incident has taken a heavy toll on the once fun-loving executive.

“We had just broken for lunch and I was enjoying an egg and mayonnaise sandwich”, Simon said, fighting back the tears.

“Suddenly, Jenny from Procurement said she felt ill and started to projectile vomit blood. An admin guy went to help her and she pounced on him, taking a massive bite out of his neck.”

Simon shifts in his seat anxiously.

“The next thing I know I’m surrounded by crazed zombies, fighting for survival – people were literally being torn apart in front of my eyes! Me, Greg and some of the guys from IT tried to get out of the dining hall but every door we tried was locked. We started to panic and kick the doors with all our strength, but the fragile locks, weak hinges and thin wooden panels wouldn’t budge”.

Asked whether he or any of his colleagues tried looking for keys to unlock the doors, Simon starts to hyperventilate.

“It wasn’t as simple as that”, he wheezes. “We did start looking for a key, but ended up embroiled in nonsensical puzzles that involved us carrying out seemingly unrelated tasks”.

For the first time Simon looks at us directly in the eyes, his eyes wild.

“At one point I had to play the piano to unlock a hidden room which contained half the key to a room which contained a typewriter… but I had no f**king ink ribbon. Have you ever tried playing the piano whilst you can hear your friends being ripped apart? Have you?!”

Simon and some of his colleagues were eventually able to escape the mansion via an elaborate series of outbuildings and underground research facilities, often having to backtrack for hours after discovering that previously discarded items were essential for progression.

Police have so far declined to comment on the incident but have warned people to check their homes for indestructible wooden doors.

zombie

Zombies leading cause of death among scientists survey reveals

An industry wide survey conducted by the international scientific community has revealed that monster related deaths in labs have reached an all time high.

Biological scientists were identified as being most at risk, with over 40% of the workforce claiming to have become zombified at some point during their careers.

“It’s bizarre, no matter which field of inquiry my fellow scientists pursue, at some point they always suffer a horrible mutation or become flesh eating zombies”, said Magnus Åkerblad, the scientist behind the survey.

Dr Åkerblad tells us that he was compelled to commission the survey after his colleague, John Maldi, a former nutrition and gut-bacteria researcher, died whilst undertaking research.

“One minute he was investigating the effects of common nutritional supplements on the gut biome and the next minute he’s shambling out of his lab and biting his doctoral students. Fortunately one of the PhD students was able to empty a tank of liquid nitrogen over his head before he could do any more damage. Telling his wife and family was very hard”.

But such incidents do not appear to be limited to biological scientists, with virologists routinely sprouting extra appendages and growing to enormous sizes before going on bloody rampages or, in one instance, hunting down members of a special police unit.

“Considering how common these events are becoming, I fear that some type of zombie apocalypse situation is inevitable”, Dr Åkerblad added.

Asked whether he thought there should be limitations put on all, even seemingly harmless research, Dr Åkerblad shook his head sternly.

“You can’t stop progress. If we’re not doing this research others will. However, I recommend closely monitoring scientists undertaking unusual research, particularly those who apply for funding to improve the digestibility of human flesh or individuals that have adopted a slower and irregular gait.”

Other fields of research are proving equally dangerous, with over a quarter of theoretical physicists being consumed by aliens they inadvertently pull into our dimension, and AI researchers routinely murdered by their own creations.