Microsoft confident all future technology to involve waving your arms around like a fucking crazy person

Microsoft asks those purchasing 360 games to return to store every 24 hours with receipt to prove they didn’t steal them

With the release of the Xbox One and its ‘always online’ DRM still many months away, Microsoft today announced that it would be launching an interim measure to prevent the illegal sharing and playing of Xbox 360 games.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, Community Manager Larry Hyrb revealed that Microsoft would be bringing Xbox One’s unique system of DRM to the 360, with immediate effect.

Excitement as man finds small area of land in UK with 4G signal

A man from Southend-on-Sea has found what is thought to be the UK’s first known location with a reliable 4G signal.

The small patch of land, approximately two-metres across, was discovered by 52-year-old Thomas Phillips in a quiet residential cul-de-sac close to his home in North Shoebury. The site has since become a hotspot for thousands of frustrated EE customers as they scramble to experience the elusive fourth G for themselves.

Microsoft apologises for employing aggressive 14-year-old school boy as creative director

In wake of the outrage surrounding Adam Orth’s condescending and hostile defense of always-online consoles, Microsoft has admitted it may have been a mistake to employ the belligerent teenager as its chief creative director.

Following a series of outrageous twitter posts in which angsty Orth told fans that they’d just have to #dealwithit, that he’d rather die than go to Janesville and that no one understood him, Microsoft today announced that it had grounded the little tearaway and suspended all pocket money with immediate effect.

Nothing better with Kinect, say scientists

A team of scientists at Cambridge University, England, have concluded that absolutely nothing can be improved, bettered or enhanced through the use of Microsoft’s popular motion sensing input device.

Since launching in 2010, numerous Xbox 360 games have claimed to be better with Kinect. However, scientists involved in the 3-year research project have stated that, despite extensive testing, they could find no evidence to suggest that Kinect was capable of benefiting anything.

Getting the disc out of the box without snapping it voted scariest gaming moment this gen

As the current generation of consoles draws to a close, gamers have voted getting the disc out the box without snapping it the single most terrifying moment of the last 7 years.

Despite tough competition from well-known horror franchises including Resident Evil, Dead Space and Silent Hill, the act of actually removing a modern video game from the clutches of its plastic case has nevertheless been deemed infinitely more scary than anything likely to be contained on the disc itself.

EA to put microtransactions into absolutely everything, willing to deny report for a small fee

Following the announcement that it would be putting microtransactions into all of its new games, recent reports coming out of EA suggest that the publishing giant has secret plans to extend the policy to include micro payments in literally everything it does, reports the company said it would strenuously deny if reporters paid it three dollars to do so.

Sony insists the PS4 will have fuck all games to block anyway

In response to the controversy surrounding its patenting of used-game blocking technology, Sony has assured angry gamers that, much like its predecessor, the PS4 would have fuck all worth playing anyway.

Following the discovery of the patent by a user on NeoGAF, there has been feverish speculation that the technology will spell the end of affordable gaming on Sony’s future consoles. Whilst the company has yet to officially confirm or deny these suspicions, SCEA president Jack Tretton has insisted that, either way, consumers were unlikely to notice .

Hitler would have been influenced by violent video games say researchers

Adolf Hitler, maniacal dictator of Nazi Germany and murderer of millions, would almost certainly have been influenced by violent video games had they existed, it has emerged.

In yet another blow for the much-maligned industry, researchers at the University of Cambridge, England, have confirmed that had controversial video games such as Grand Theft Auto 4, Saints Row: The Third and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 been available in the 1930s, Hitler’s reign of terror would have been significantly more brutal.